Putting my thoughts into words has become more and more of a struggle. I look back and at least it appears it used to come easy. I remember being able to write forever about nothing, and even more than forever about something. I guess there never used to be any consequence to my words, there never used to be any consequence to my actions. I'm getting old, and the word 'sorry' solves less and less of my problems.

I've developed this whole style of writing around it, and now on this unusual day I feel like I have to stop. I'm tired. Tired of the way I have to create conversation with myself, to get out what it is that is on my mind. It's all become a big diversion; I'm trying to avoid so many different things, and it's all I know. It's taking the best of me. I'm scared of how you think and feel, so I cover up some times even the most simple things that I feel.

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I'm sorry, that in all I've done, I've lost you. I've lost the opportunity for us to celebrate our days together. I've gone through my thoughts, and journals several times, and I'm left with June 1st; Today is mine. I think of you all the time. The things that make you angry, and the things that make you smile. The color of your skin. The shape of your nose...

You're only little at two and half, and by far you're the biggest thing that has happened to me. I don't know if you or I will be given the chance, but I'm expectant of the day that I meet you. I'm all apologies; and want to ask you for forgiveness in what will have become the biggest broken promise of my life. You deserved so much more, and I wasn't able to give it you. I wasn't near the man that I needed to be, and now as history repeats itself, you have to live your life with the consequences of the generation before; my actions.

I've always wanted to give you more than I had, and maybe in this painful backwards way I have? One day I hope that you'll find me, forgive me, and know that I love you.

An hour into the New Year, and rather then being trashed somewhere I'm bringing it in with a sober mind. There's foreign people dancing around upstairs, the neighbor just complained about the noise level, and I'm busy searching around trying to figure out where the last year just went and where my todo list is for 2007. Starting it off are thoughts of the last 12 months, things accomplished, chances not taken, and the two paths which I'm constantly presented with. Working a white color job, for the remaining half of the year, getting into a house, and buying a new car are a few highlights of 2006. 2006 is also the year that saw me to Korea, Houston, Las Vegas, and Mexico. SMP hits the backburners as this site takes up my time on top of 40 hour weeks. Only 7 days now until my birthday, and 10 until Panama City Part 2. 3 months until Dubai. The Edmonton Oilers had the same Playoff run the Flames had prior, and this time Kent and I cashed in on multiple news appearances, as well as alot of random nights. Those and a few miles run with Boss.

The ship comes in for my roommate, and the only hints of change are in the way that I cook eggs in the morning, and a few jokes about rent increases. Lilly's 9, Mel's 24, and Nolan 23. Me. I'm 20 and if my frame of mind keeps up at the rate it's going, I might just reach 120.

I didn't have near as much time to sit, and think as I did the year prior, but there was definitely some buzzes in 06. I blame time for my lack of commitment, but really I just don't know what else to do with the situation. I'll wait of course. You're worth it.

Resolutions. Nope. But goals. I'm in the animal category. How about another property or two, and one on foreign soil. An S2000, Actually 6 of them. Launch this site, and turn the marketing part of my brain back on, as I'm looking at a contract completion, and working towards a successful start-up.

I've seen alot of bad movies, heard alot of bad song, but of course there is still some keepers. Benassi, Alizee, Nelly Furtado, Sarah McLachlan, Enya, Sheryl Crowe, Damien Rice, U2. Puls Radio deserves mention as well. Movies. I'll probably remember heaps that I enjoyed after I write this, but: Apocalypto, Pride and Prejudice, Thank-You for Smoking, Lord Of War, Motorcycle Diaries, V for Vendetta, Blood Diamond... Internet Video's. Of course there's been soo many of these kicking around. LonelyGirl15, and her mate Gemma, Kiwi, SNL, Ok-Go, asian backstreet boy covers, to name a few.

Work. White Collar has definitely won this category, although investing heads up a respectable second. My focus has changed alot, since I first got involved in this race, and I'm happy with where it's going. I know people that like to believe that if you enjoy what you do, you never work a day in your life. I do enjoy what I do, but the quote is still a lie, as I work everday, and although New Years seems like a deadline has come around, the real deadline is in 6 days, when I'll be left with 5 years. 5 years to throw a stone and kill as many birds as possible, Ricies.

Alot happened in the world in 2006. Here's an extensive list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006

All the best in 2007.

Searching for myself, Finding Stella. It's really only tempation, and I give in because for over two weeks I've tried to turn my thoughts and scribbles into journal, and it's made my thoughts erratic. Pull yourself together Ryan. The bleeding continues, but you're onto something here. In front of me lays words of past frustrations, and thoughts. Many which have sense, and many without. I'm trapped. So it goes.

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Rewind the clock long enough, and you'll find me dead, lying next to the thoughts that are inside my head today. I new something wasn't right; the whole situation wasn't right, and it I lost it, without even knowing what it was. Everyone has something to believe. Was it nature, and I had no control, or was it the world in which I became a part of? Was it my actions, or those of another? Could the situation have been different? Could I have been different? Do my thoughts and experiences differ much from those around me?

----- -----

Silence, Suicide and 1900 bells. At times I'll find myself thinking it's only me, but your recent curiosity rewinds it until, there is two of us again, and so it should be. Damien Rice. Bombs go off, and insomnia sets in, setting everything out of line. A new beginning is near; showing itself more clearly every day as I round the bend towards 21. A vivid tree is in the background, moving forward. A branch just fell to the ground, my name on it. Nature has taken it's course. I'm through fighting it. Thoughts, idea's, building action.

A new chapter recently uncovered, the biggest yet, and I'm nervous. These nights leave me with the conclusion that there is more confusion and chaos than I've previously experienced. Chalk it up, another notch, another day, another ending.

----- -----

You've a title, an age, and a stand point that differs from mine. You corner me, and take advantage of it. In your mind you're right, and you've just acted on it. My feet as tightly planted as yours. Your ability to create the situation you did, and then walk away, is only history repeating itself, and I brace myself, as only God knows when it will recur. When it does, as awkward as it may sound, I'll eXplode it out of proportion. You'll know exactly what is going on, and so it is, the continuum.

----- -----

It all turns to a blur as Stella leaves my side. Words creating sentences and paragraphs, through them emotions; a tear is shed, and so it is. No one said it would be easy. But noone ever said it would be like this either. All of us really have no idea, and it's your foolishness that hates for me to say it.

----- -----

There's arms and legs now, and the situation continues to advance. Without a name, a date, an image, you've become an obsession of my mind. Even if I could put it into words, it wouldn't be worth it. It would surprise you my knowlege of this virtue at such a young age, that being patience, and so it continues. It's a reality that is completely un-becoming of me. I've shelved the things I once held, and have now selfishly once again my hands full. I carefully watch myself, as I'm aware the dangers of leaving them where they presently are. You'll find out some day that I never have left you, and never will.

----- -----

She's back, and I'm buzzing once again. I'm not the only one buzzing. You wait on the beach long enough for your ship to come in, and it does. Your confusion, and past is now exactly that. We're all filled with questions, and watching as you walk. I know the past, have a pretty good idea of the future but surprisingly it's the presence that leaves me wondering.

Some pictures from the dynastream christmas party.

This concept never fails to stir interesting thoughts.

Fyfer y Tomioso in Action A response.

Who's Tomi, and what's an Oso? Dubai hits my visa, and considering I just wrote about Panama, I've caught the fever. Too busy to sleep this weekend I gathered all my pins and put them onto the map. When you see it, you might be thinking, this guy is the shizniks, and I can't wait to see what he's going to look like in a blue school uniform, or. you might be thinking this guy has been working in an office of engineers for far to long, and why is he protecting his pocket. ricies.

That aside I've been taking riding lessons everyday, no Lilly I'm not talking about ponies, although Ahjmed my instructor does mention alot how Camel's are the pony of the new millenium. It's alot like what spooning did to sex.

About these dates. March 28th to April 18th. It sounds like a lot but when you account for the racing circuit, trips to cairo, man made islands, deserts, beaches, limo nights, the racing circuit, private school, and the racing circuit...

Tomi, I'm crazy excited. It's go time Dubai 2007, and knowing us we'll make Cairo happen as well. Rest up. That means you too Kelly.

The first 5 year plan started a little under a year ago, and now with a birthday creeping, I'm re-evaluating just about everything. My outlook has changed significantly. No matter how I look at things, I'm realizing that I am getting old here, and all this short term nonsense isn't leading anywhere. I know that upgrading my math 30 and picking up Physics is a little bit extreme; Don't look at me, I didn't set the requirements.

Smart investing has been replaced with studying. Financial freedom with the security of a dregree. And Rather than defining my own future, I'll join the rat race and stick it out through the best 20 years of my life in a struggle to pay down the family home. My RRSP's Kick in 15 years after that, and. Ryan snap out of it - A wise man had this theory about how time is are most valuable asset, and how we should use it wisely.

Weeks filled with short nights, and long days are hitting the spot as I take productivity to a new level for the second straight winter. Idea's are populating more quickly than they used to, and I'm at this interesting stage where Knowledge isn't the limiting factor; the days continue, as will the nights, and it's 4 years to go.

Plans in motion involving Central America and the Middle East. Even before I finalize dates and details people are already getting nervous, and it's true; These last couple months of 20 are increasingly uncertain. It could be said that in times like these it's best to stay on the known path. However, with each day I push closer towards the making of big desicions, that will yield irreversible consequences. Consequences talk a price, which in lies a larger debate then the original desicion.

8 weeks until I'll be 21, which doesn't really spark much interest as far as privileges, however it does open up a whole new country. 21 does hit another note; where I realize my 5 year plan starts whether I'm ready for it or not. Plans in motion continue, and I'm stuck trying to figure out what happened to my youth, and why there is an electricity bill in the mailbox with my name on it.

I thought I was going to stop talking about Panama, but today I take the country to new levels. 2007 arrives, a very small fraction of the year has passed, and my eyes are glued to the klr page in the kawasaki catalog. I look over to tell my friend about the impressive power/weight ratio, ricies, and I'm busted in high definition for the first time. All this and I'm half way to Panama. The genre hasn't been determined yet, however there is enough megapixels going around to make Brandi question who these two on the airplane are; And more importantly what they're up to.

Panama. I pull my journals and my thoughts together, to paint the picture. Of course the buzz will be there; foreign hands, the greater one, maxed visa's, Shakira, among others, however this time it looks completely different, and expectations have a tendency of clouding an otherwise good view. If not that; Tyler you never brought a beach ball, the joke's over.

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Dreams strike leaving me without wings at 2:30 in the morning. Once again I'm there, and don't know why. To play with my mind a little more, coincedence comes at 9am, and in a funny turn of events my heart jumps.

I've been putting off this journal for a couple days. I thought it would be best to let my thoughts sink in for a while longer. They do, and in the middle of it all I randomly run into Nine Million bicycles that rewinds time back a year, and I'm sitting trying to put together the pieces from them, to the ones from now. This past year, although I've moved significantly ahead, I notice that I've lost alot of my key thoughts and alot of the dream.

Jokes about commitments and work were high on my list last year, as well as washing up on the shores of Panama and the likes. Actually Panama was a long time ago now, I should stop talking about it. This year has seen me to Houston and Mexico(Feb-Mar), and just recently Korea(Oct), and with no plans until the new year, I think that list is safe resting the way it is. I can't joke about work anymore, as now it's as if I have 3 jobs, and sleep lurks more in quantity and less in qaulity. Stress, I'm not getting random sores in my mouth, and acne and I are on terms...

I was sitting on an interesting thought last year, about how everyday is a new day, and how rarely any of us take advantage of it. We tend to let our days stack on top of one another, and get the best of us. That is a good one, but my buzz right now is more on having individual thoughts, and what about those idiot's on Halloween.

There is something about being an individual whether successful or not, that to me, is more appealing then the alternatives. It would be easy here to spin of into Nature vs Nurture, but to avoid that I'm going to lead towards Nurture in my own life; You can dive off into your own debate if you feel inclined.

Halloween last year was a disaster, and this year was nothing short of a respectable follow-up. I've got a mess in my car, a bruise on my arm, a bit of a lurking headeache, and alot of mixed feelings. There is no sense in not saying it. There is some idiots around, not the best looking guys, and you mix them with a couple of their mates, a few spates, and you've got a good portion of america on your hands. I could have hung around a little longer then I did, but I was already starting to feel funny, and what a useless situation I got myself into.

Debates are open all over the place, I put an end to the one from part 1, and the answer is 3, not 1 or 0. The largest currently, is with regards to direction. I won't get into a code buzz, but I just re-invented the gallery, and when I roll out a polished product, it's going to be pretty hard to not know which direction I'm going in. There is a countless number of unknowns in the equation, and although I used to think that life would get less random with age, it's turned out to be quite the opposite. I'm not the only one that can account for that.

Last movie: Hard Candy. I give the credit to Ellen Page for making the movie recommendable, and to whoever wrote the script for a clever and twisted story.
Last Song: Puff Daddy ft. Mario Winans - Through the pain

I'm sitting in the airport in Seoul, it's two hours before I depart and thoughts are firing off in all directions about what has taken place over the last couple weeks here in Korea, and also what I'm coming home to and the direction I'm going in the weeks to come. I'm thinking alot about how easily comfortable I've become, and how much learning and growing I have yet to do. I've met alot of great people on this trip, and I don't believe that this is the last time that I will see them either. Where and when and the circumstances of the meetings are unkown, but looking forward none the less. Some random thoughts below, and photos from the last few days, and I'm looking forward to getting home, and pursuing the dream.

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Realities have changed alot for the Hueng and I over the last couple of years. Although we're headed in largely the same direction, the way that we view the things around us has changed alot from when we were young, and putting it all into words doesn't exist. The high's and the low's, things that should have been said, and things that shouldn't have, opportunities missed and one's taken. Tears to smiles and laughs and as we've grown up and through it all we're family. Looking back on the things that have happened in the last few weeks and years, there it's interesting to look back on the lessons learned, and the one's yet to come.

Waking up in the middle of it all after years of build up and thoughts and expectations, the language is foreign even the smell, and piece by piece you build together the stories and the images, until eventually for you, it to becomes reality.

Which one is right and should we spent our time searching this out, or should be merely settle with what is present. Should we accept ourselves as we are or spend our time becoming who we can be. And likewise should we accept others for who they are or should we push them to acheive me, or dangerously become more like ourselves. It interests me how in a world of countless numbers of cultures to most of us the only one we've truely experienced is our own. It's our Morals and Values, and our looking glass. It's like a little bit confusing or something.

It's completely complicated and unexpected / If you've ever experienced a time in your life when you've much to say, but nothing peices together into words that you can / you're sitting next to me

The longer that you hold back the cloud / The harder it rains

Today in pictures:

Days one, two, and three. Korea is similar to Taiwan, but when you stack multiple times the number of people in a city things are taken to a new level. Disaster Strikes. The flights to Korea went well. The second flight from San Fransisco to Seoul was a mission. The Movie channels were quite decent, an aisle to my left, and an empty seat to my right, polishes the seating arrangement. 9 hours later, the movies again re-run and I debated watching Inside Man for the third time. 3 hours to go and flight 661 is the last place that I want to be. Arriving in Seoul was as expected. Nolan and his mate Sam met me at the terminal. I'm nothing short of tired, boarding the bus into seoul; to Nolan's Apartment. After some short yawns, we go to dinner.

Rising in a new country hits the spot in the morning subwaying to the other side of Seoul to go to class with Nolan. English teaching is both as I remembered it and as I pictured it. The morning we were at a high school class, and the afternoon we taught at a primary school. The morning classes were some reading mixed with definitions and stories. Mix not sleeping with bad parenting and you'll wind up with the hell crazy kids. Asian kids are cute until they hit about 6 or seven I would say. Then they either pull out their textbooks, or a dong cheek. These kids though. Attending school, english, sports, music, and then lurking around on the streets in the late hours while their parents are drinking soju. It's probably not the healthiest lifestyle I've ever seen, but who's to say that it's any less healthy then the 14 hours American babies are getting. Sure it seems we grow to be a little taller, but with the density in these countries, it's probably a good thing they're shorter. Ricies. These lifestyles, does it lead to men abusing their wives, and the case of the Adachi's? Or is that just culture. Actually, either way it's culture, and I'm looking for a word that starts with a D. And it's not `different` Dad.

My friend arrives in Seoul that day, and fails to contact me for two day. He probably just forgot that we're half way around the world for a few days, and didn't think much of it. Can't really say that I'm into that style of travel at the moment, but maybe that's unfair for me to say as Soju and I didn't get off to a good start.

Jet lag has it's way of stealing days away, but eventually it gets busted, and allows you to get on with your days in one of the biggest cities of the world. You, no I mean me, and subwaying around to different parts of Seoul w/slanted eyes on your every move can be a rush at times. Nolan has holidays here for almost a week, so him and sam have been taking me around, as well as kicking with the Dawbers, before he heads back to New Zealand. The language barrier is a frustration on the rise. So what's with this not being able to figure out what's going on in restaurants. Wait; this is a restaurant. We're sitting on the floor, and bugs keeping attacking me. Ricies. Chopsticks and Kimchi are on the rise.

The style of markets don't really change, Even the goods only slightly. Either way, I enjoy it, and we've been to a few now, clothing, and electronics. Shopping in Foreign Countries always gets taken to new levels. The Won always has problems resting in my pockets when I run into Adidas and Puma. I've gone for a couple runs here, and It reminds me heaps of highschool, except rather then tearing through Millcreek, we're running over the Han River and there is yellow people everywhere getting the surprise of there lives.

It's not polite to whisper. I meet up with Josh and his friend Scott that night, as well as Shena who has a habit of making appearances when Josh is around. Was it Shena that Surprised me or what it Josh. Or wait. Was it Scott. Basic Insticts in Thailand. We're not the strongest at the times when we need to be the most. Who is taking advantage of who? Either way I flag it the second night and find myself in a basement taking sober dancing to new levels. You might say that Korean's dance better then Cowboys bar stars or something. It actually took my thoughts to a new level, and was a bit motivating. As soon as I stop the 'be all you can be' conversation, I'll get onto talking about when Handsome comments cross the line.

The weather in Seoul keeps pumping out mid 20's with sun. It makes you wonder if they're changing the forecast, or whether it really is that consistent. Jokes are flying, It's 4 in the morning and why is Brett racing my dad to the mountains w/a ziploc full of oregano. Either way days are warm, and the nights are as well, but cool down to a more comfortable temperature. It's even tempting to say that it gets cool at night. Everything is relative though, and although I like it cooler as it's more comfortable and style is better, When minus 20 hits in a few months back in Calgary, I might be looking pretty quickly forward towards a warmer climate, at which point I'll only have to wait a couple months more until Dubai.

Nolan promised me some random feeds while I was here, and last night's octupus would qualify. A few rounds of it, with vegetables and rice left me dropping it like it was hot, and that's not a crack at snoop dog closing my night at the dance club. Closing time. and so it is.

Now seems like the perfect time to break into my prelude to Korea. Missy Peregrym runs through my mind one more time; this time I realize that I've been busted. I get right into it.

I've become victim to the system. It's 5 on 2 off, broken down into 8 to 5. Draining weeks with a quick re-wind on the weekend, until eventually I snap; In the midst of changing seasons and times for a number of us, I will journey off into oblivion. Two hours it will take to get to America, half the time that I will have to wait, before getting on a flight 893 to Seoul. 12 hours in a limited space with unkown possibilities.

Suspense has clouded my view, and for 19 days, I'll escape.

I'm traveling alone, but my mate, Josh ,  has already been touring Asia for 11 days when I arrive, and we meet in Seoul. Hong Kong for 4 days, Thailand for 5, Malaysia for 2, Korea for 6, and Japan for 4... After reading that again Josh I'm running through my mind with possibilities of you and Scot in Thailand. A Coup they are calling it. I just called your wife though, and she said you are fine. And it's a good thing you are too. Thoughts of me not having my best man at my wedding in two weeks, had Nervous asking Suspense to step aside.

My departure is coming in less then 26 hours, and I'm leaving it with that. Below is some random media from the last few weeks of living. I'm not just talking about breathing Oxygen. I'm talking about the dream. So it continues.

LonelyGirl15

Stabilo - Flawed Design

Basic Instinct Trailer

Before you know it the excitement of first steps has died down. Even the talking now doesn't raise a smile. Come to think of it, that smile is getting harder and harder,no matter what you do. It's a changing moment and you're 20. You've outlined a few goals and the like, and with everyday that passes you get closer to your deadline, and further it seems from your goal. 5 years to go, which doesn't even sound like much if you say it as 1825 days. You know how fast the last weeks and months have passed. Even years heck. And you're busying yourself counting down the 13 meager days that stand in your way before you depart to Korea. Has all that time really come and gone?

It is such a simple concept, see for yourself:

She has of course been busted already, but thankfully we still have okgo treadmill and backyard dance videos to fuel the internet addiction. Ok, okgo isn't quite as cute as 19 year old Jessica Rose , (From New Zealand), apparently they've got a talented choreographer though. sp?

I recently downloaded a couple of new cd's. Christina Aguilera - Back to Basics, Outkast - IdleWild , not a bad couple of listens. But wtf. Who is Kastavol Medina and Shikara Franklin and Cammy Simpson, could they get off her leg for a minute. What is with artists making songs like that anyways? At the moment there is two songs that sum me up: Moist - Resurrection & Stabilo - Flawed Design.

My camera just came in for Korea, and a few scams later, It's pretty bawling. Canon sd30. Attached is a pic, also a couple pics taken with it at the office. One of my desk, and another of my boss. Then comes a couple "greasy" pics of me, with my old camera. (Rest in Peace)... Here we go. September thus far summed.

Movies.

Sure. Recently I've watched an assortment of movies, but I'm only going to talk about one. Or two rather. Basic Instinct & Basict Instinct 2. Rather then write out a movie summary(ies). I'll copy one from somewhere's else, as I'm sure they'll have done a better job then I could...

Former rock star and San Francisco nightclub owner Johnny Boz is found murdered in his bed. Detective Nick Curran is assigned to the case; he has a history of alcoholism and drug abuse although he is clean now. The prime suspect is Catherine Tramell, an attractive and manipulative novelist who had been seeing Boz for a while. Police psychiatrist Beth Gardner (who happens to be Nick's ex-girlfriend) is brought in on the case when it is discovered that Boz's murder was copied directly from one of Catherine's novels. Nick starts to get too involved and everyone seems to be a suspect.

I suppose Sharon stone is pretty bawling in both movies, but more impressive is the clever story lines, and especially the twist at the end of Basic Instinct 2. Even more impressive then all of that is Sharon Stone - 4. I'm pretty sure. No. In fact. I'm positive that when I'm 48 I won't look that good.

They Spyker that they feature at the beginning of the movie is pretty bawling as well.(It's the car in the last pic below)